umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
