The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
