By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
