Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
