he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
