there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
