sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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