he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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