I met the friendliest cop last night
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
