yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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