Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
