just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
