i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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