Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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