when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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