I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
