their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
My sheets look like a crime scene.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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