I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
