How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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