how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
