I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
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dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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