My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
