last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
