There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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