ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
