Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
