I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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