have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
