Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
