I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
