I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
