okay pat passed out under dana's car
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
