There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
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I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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