So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
