A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
