saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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