Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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