if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
