he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
