I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
