Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
