remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
