I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
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i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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