I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
