You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize