There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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