if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
