The maid of honor just puked.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
