This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I deserve this hangover.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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