May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
