Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
