I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
