I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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