Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
