I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
