I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
