the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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