Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
