OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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