I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize