If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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